Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Selfie
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
This is a whole mood;
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
sir, my pâté if you please
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]