ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station