me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Something Saturday.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.