Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣