@AtticusFinch79

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

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@Shen_the_Bird

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

@kvnrogan

djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background

@robin_991

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

@seamusmckracken

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

@LostFelicia

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@dksc4life

pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*

@QueenVofCoffee

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.