Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished


For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.


djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.


Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet

guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*


Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.