Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Oops I deleted….
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”