me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
The Assassin.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow