ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I saw nothing
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.