me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Actually cracking up @ this
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.