Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
time for some seasonal decor
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
The smoothest fall of all time
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.