Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
the red hot silly peppers
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”