ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Story of my life…..