me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
dude it’s called proctologist
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times