me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Hey I worked for it too!
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
beware of dog
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter