Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

You were the one.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!