Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.