Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
wow
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Rt to bother an English speaker
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?