Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You Might Also Like
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.