me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
checking out some reviews of my local library
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.