me before I type out affect or effect
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal