Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.