Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”