Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”