me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you