Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
You Might Also Like
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”