me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
You Might Also Like
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From