[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
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I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr