Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”