Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.