Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
A wise man once said nothing.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.