ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
You Might Also Like
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*