ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Happens to everyone.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.