Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey