ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.