ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved


“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”


Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..


Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?



ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?


ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.


Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water


All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.


*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.


‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher