@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

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@noneofyours99

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

@metickleu

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

@Brianhopecomedy

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

@UncleDuke1969

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

@truegritrumble

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

@FeverFlave

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher