Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.