Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
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“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
They’re the worst 😩
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
True freaking story!
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.