Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
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How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.