Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
i have one speed and it’s mosey
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.