Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
My Sentiments Exactly
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.