Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*