Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
When I snag the last meatball.