Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Just grow your own
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.