ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced