me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Rt to bother an English speaker
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry