ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.