ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I can also cook 😂
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.