Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
it is time once again
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body