Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Bro what is this
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]