me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.