Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”