Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.