Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
A wise man once said nothing.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy